Interview with: A previous foster child

Today my interview is with Tamara from Mad Boastings of a Cheapskate Mom. I've been reading her blog for a while and have really enjoyed it. Then one day she had a little comment about being a foster child. WOW! I couldn't believe it. I was so excited to see if she would do my interview. She said she would be happy to and that she is very open with the things that have happened to her. And sure enough she answered every question I asked her. I hope you enjoy this interview as much as I did.

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This is Tamara as a baby. She mentioned how hard she had to look for these earlier pictures, because when you are a foster child you often don't have any.

Hold Fast to Me, Mama

Hold fast to me, Mama. Don't let me go.
I love you, Mommy, & you need to know.

Hold fast to me, Mama. Where are you taking me?
I love you, Mommy, With you is where I want to be.

Hold fast to me, Mama. You've left me all alone.
I love you, Mommy, but my anger for you has grown.

You let go of me, Mama. I am abandoned and afraid.
I still love you, Mommy, I need your warmth and aid.

I feel cold, Mama. My love washed away with my tears.
I feel numb, Mommy, not a trace of you after all these years.

I'm holding fast to you, Mama. Searching for you.
I feel empty, Mommy, not even a clue.

I'm holding fast to you, Mama. I refuse to give up.
I feel strong, Mommy, my chin is up.

I've finally found you, Mama. I grasp on tight.
Do you love me, Mommy? Have I won my fight?

You are so lost, Mama. Your eyes are full of sorrow.
Your guilt is overwhelming, Mommy, will you be here tomorrow?

I am letting go of you, Mama. You have left me twice alone.
The wound is too deep, Mommy, I should have known.

All my life I have prayed and searched...only to be rejected and hurt.
By the only person who gave me life, My Mama.

I refuse to fall once again, spiraling into that pit of self destruction.
I am going to keep my head up, and be the best Mama...to MY son.

He will never feel abandoned and alone. Never will he have to search to find me.
For I will always be there. Right by his side, where a Mommy should be.

Through the sleepless nights, the fevers, the temper tantrums.
I will be there. Holding fast to my son.

Giving out plenty of hugs and kisses. He will never be afraid.
Mommy will be there to give him plenty of warmth and aid.

My son and I are holding fast to each other, and all the while,
That emptiness is slowly being forgotten, as I mother my child.

I love you, my sweet Austin Lee.
Love Always, your adoring Mommy.

copyright Tamara Dawn 1993/Revised 1999


Here is another...isn't she cute!

I read some of your story from when you were younger and in foster care. And I've been reading your blog for a while. You are NORMAL...for whatever that means. To what do you attribute turning out so great?

One of my all time favorite quotes is "I'm trying to be normal but reality gets in my way." That's me. My quote. Yes, I favorited my own quote. What is normal, anyway? I get that a lot "Wow, you are so NORMAL!" What do you think I would be? In a straight jacket? Some days I wonder about that...

I was unfortunate to be in foster care but fortunate to have had a great foster parent during some of my teenage years. No matter what I did to attack her, she would not let me get under her skin. She was patient and apparently saw something good in me. By the time I arrived in her home I was 14 and pissed off. I knew she would kick me out so I was vicious to her and her family. She had other foster kids but they were all comfortable calling her Mom and were a big happy family. I just wanted to get out. As time went on, and she still refused to kick me out I started to allow myself to trust her a little. I found myself wanting her approval like the other kids. One day I was throwing a fit and she grabbed me and sat on me. I was stunned. She looked me in the eye and calmly said "You need to learn to love yourself. You can't accept love from others. You have to love yourself first!" She then got off me and walked out of the room. I was angry, but surprised and I felt hurt that I hurt her, I could tell by her eyes. That moment, it was life changing for me. I never even thought about having love for myself. It sounded silly but eventually I understood what she meant and because of her unwavering patience and love, I really feel that she launched me into a more "normal" existence.

Can you tell us what was the hardest thing you endured during foster care?

Gee I have to narrow it down to one hardest thing? I was abused in a way no child should ever be. It was when I was very young. Most kids don't recall that far back but I remember very clearly. I don't think about it much but when I do it is hard, it all comes back to me. My innocence ripped from me. The injustice of it all. It makes me angry. I hurt for that little girl. It is easier to separate her from me. The boy was in his late teens, my foster mom's biological son. It happened between the ages of 4 and 5. They once walked in. I thought I was saved but they walked out with him. Leaving me there alone and feeling like I did something wrong. They turned the other way and it continued until I was adopted out of that home. He got away with it. I try not to think about the other children he has hurt. I hope that it was just me but I can't blame myself because I did try to tell and no one heard me. I screamed every night before bed for years and had to be put on medication for my behavior problems. No one cared enough to ask why. That is the hardest part of being a foster kid, you have no voice. No one hears you. That is how I felt in many situations.

What was the happiest home you lived in and what made it that way?

Is there such a thing as a "happy" home? There were things from a few homes that I can pick and choose like puzzle pieces and when they all fit together it equals to almost happy. I had an Italian foster mother who we nicknamed "Old Yeller" because she would yell all the time. Even when she spoke it was as though she were shouting. She was quite the Drama Mama too. I had her constantly on her knees kissing the floor! "When you leava my housa I'ma kissa the floora!" I left and then a few months later she would take me back. I was in and out of her home over the course of 10 years with like 6 trips. When I needed a place, she was there for me. Even though I drove her nuts, she still loved me. She was a tough Sicilian woman but she cooked meals fit for royalty and we ate like kings every single night. The foster mom I mentioned earlier, her home was country living. She had an acreage and we lived by horses. We all worked together as a family in the home. It was the first time I felt like a had a place, in a home, in a heart. It was nice to actually feel like I was part of a family. In both these homes I felt like a member of the family, not like one of those foster kids.

How hard has it been for you do undo the programming from the way you were raised?

Gosh, I never really think about myself as being programmed based on how I was raised. I think when I became a parent I knew exactly what not to do so I went with that. As positive as that sounds, it is so hard being a parent. I sometimes understand why my mom dumped me off in that parking lot. There are days I want to run from my children screaming while pulling my hair out. But the difference is I don't. I know within a few moments one of my kids will do something silly or come up and hug me and then pulling my hair out doesn't sound as awesome as hanging out with my boys. I made mistakes with my first child. I was a single mom and it was just the two of us. I wanted him to know how lucky he was to have me and throughout the years told him he has it good compared to what his poor mom went through. Later it hit me that he has no clue what I am talking about (thank God) and therefore he has no lesson to learn by listening to me go on and on about my tough childhood. He thinks when I yell at him to take a shower it is the end of the world...so yeah. I am still learning. I think every parent out there can agree that parenting is like "winging it" You try something, if that doesn't work you try something else.

The biggest thing I had to de-program was being a victim. I had to let that go. I don't want to be viewed as a victim. I like to think of myself as triumphant in regards to the first 20 years of my life. Round 1 - Ding Ding! I was pummeled, exhausted and bruised but still standing.

How did you learn to parent?

Dr. Phil, just kidding. I just wing it! I know I am not at all like my Mother. I strive to be a good parent but I know I have flaws. It's being aware of those flaws and the desire to change them that helps me be a better parent.

Have you ever considered taking in foster children?

The thought has occurred to me, but I know in my heart I don't have the backbone. I can honestly say at this point I have my hands full with my three boys and I don't have the room in my home. I will always have room in my heart. Just now is not a good time for me to make such an important commitment. I do however, hope to adopt a child one day. So many people are adopting out of this country but there is not much interest in adopting foster children. Many people are unaware that through the Foster to Adopt program many states offer minimal adoption fees. For less than $300.00 you can adopt a foster child in the US. Yet people pay tens of thousands to hand pick children off the internet and ship them out here while these children in their own backyard are forgotten.

What advice do you have for someone considering fostering or for current foster parents?

Foster parenting is a huge responsibility. If people get into it because each child comes with a check, that is obviously the wrong reason. You wouldn't believe how many homes I stayed in that treated me like a servant, only they were being paid to keep me there. It was awful. Then there are people that get involved because they want to rescue something or want to show everyone they are contributing to a better society, that too is for the wrong reasons. I think what makes a good foster parent is someone who has room in their home and in their heart to love a child. Someone who knows the challenges that lay ahead like dealing with the courts and social workers, dealing with biological parents and having to see that child injured mentally & physically, and knowing what to do to heal them and earn their trust. I hold good honest foster parents in the highest regard. They should be honored right up there with Doctors, Nurses, Firefighters, and Soldiers. They are true unspoken heroes who sacrifice everything to care for children nobody else wants.



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That poem was beautiful and her story breaks my heart. But really, she has turned out great! Gotta read her blog as proof.

I open the floor for questions for Tamara. She is VERY busy with her own blog. (She has over 1000 followers!!!) But I'm sure she'll have a few spare minutes if you ask her something.